May 2013 Holiday Drinking Guide

Obscure Holiday Drinking Guide – May 2013

Am I the only one fucking sick of scraping the ice off my windshield? Or driving behind some incredible idiot going 5 miles an hour because there’s an inch of snow on the SIDEWALK? Or maybe just being unable to take my motorcycle out for a spin because ol’ father winter won’t fuck off and leave us alone?

If you didn’t pick up on it, I’m fucking DONE with winter. I’m ready for summer, sun burns, and cold beer at a dozen weekend barbeques. And May is generally my sign that I can start hope that I can finally get out my shortest of shorts.

Fuck...Burt even makes my jokes look good.

Fuck…Burt even makes my jokes look good.

May 1st – May Day

When I was a kid, I actually remember being taught that this was a real holiday. I think I actually had school off once or twice for it. So maybe this isn’t so much of an obscure holiday, as it is a forgotten one. So let’s explore this relic, eh Short Round?

May Day comes from old Germanic and Gaelic holidays, marking the beginning of Spring. One of the four quarterly celebrations marking the seasons, this is one of the few holidays to survive since that time, and is still widely celebrated in much of the Northern Hemisphere. Though, I don’t know anyone who still does. Legend tells us that old World War II pilots would call out the name of this holiday “May Day!” as they were shot down. Experts now say that this was likely a nostalgic response to a happier time, and a regret that they would miss the upcoming Spring celebration.

This, of course, is similar to Christopher Dorner’s lamentations of the upcoming events he would miss in his recent manifesto.

"Damn, I'm gonna miss Shark Week." -No, that's not a joke, but it IS funny.

“Damn, I’m gonna miss Shark Week.” -No, that’s not a joke, but it IS funny.

Flying Dog Brewery – Doggie Style Classic IPA

While the Flying Dog Brewery has moved to Frederick, MD, they did start in Aspen, Co in 1990, so I feel pretty safe in calling their brews local. Especially the Doggie Style Classic IPA, a 5.5% ABV IPA (that’s a lot of acronyms) which helped Flying Dog become the first brewpub in Aspen in over 100 years at the time. Their award winning bitter IPA’s are really quite indicative of the term classic, making their well rounded recopies the epitome of what an IPA should be. So let’s crack one open in memorial of our fallen flying aces who won’t see this May Day with us.

May 4th – Star Wars Day

As you may have heard thanks to channels such as Facebook, Twitter, or Redtube (how I get most of my news these days), May 4th is now widely celebrated as Star Wars day. You may or may not know the story behind this, but I will make one up for you. You see, several years ago, a Buddhist monk was sitting under a guiding tree, seeking enlightenment, as they do. A random travelling salesman came past, vending various Star Wars toys, and asked the monk if he would like one. The monk politely declined, asking only what day it was. The man told him, May 4th. The monk smiled, bowing his head to the stranger and thanking him. As the stranger turned to leave, the monk said “May the Fourth be with you.” Yes, this holiday is based on a pun. But don’t let that stop you from popping in that Empire DVD and having a grand time with your friends!

Found on Etsy.com, for the more...extreme enthusiasts...

Found on Etsy.com, for the more…extreme enthusiasts…

C.B. and Potts – Java the Hut

Local big time brewers C.B. and Potts dropped a coffee porter on us a few years ago called Java the Hut. A dark roast porter, with a pretty bitter undertone, this beer was supposedly a very decent representation of the genera. But, without some serious connections, you’re unlikely to have a chance to try it. Much like many Star Wars fan brews, it seems they were likely hit with the famous Cease and Desist that Lucasarts loved to throw around. Who knows, maybe Disney will be more accepting of us showing our love through Star Wars named beers? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

May 16th – Love a Tree day

Alright, I’m not going to advocate some real tree hugging hippie stuff. I mean, yeah, if that’s your deal, this would be the day to get out there and hug some trees. For the rest of us, I think we can just take the time to appreciate trees. I can find the beauty in a giant tree, majestic and tall, climbable, and lifegiving. It’s a thing of beauty. Unless it’s one of the 17 trees in my yard dumping it’s goddamn leaves all over and making me rake up like a dozen times in the fall. Then it’s pretty hard to LOVE a tree.

Except for this one. Whore's just BEGGING for it.

Except for this one. Whore’s just BEGGING for it.

Asher Tree Hugger Organic Amber

While we’re on the topic of tree fuc…loving… let’s have a look at the Asher Tree Hugger Organic Amber. A vegan friendly, all natural beer. As beers go, this is a very green tasting, mildly bitter beer. Not bad, but nothing terribly amazing either. Though bringing a 6% ABV, this should have you and all your hippie friends rocking out to some Phish and Grateful Dead in little to no time at all. Yes, I assume this is what hippies still listen to, you can tell I hang out with a lot of them. So gather up your beers, get in a drum circle around a great old tree, and sing yourselves silly. I’ll be the one throwing rocks at you, cuz it’s 4am, seriously, stop it!

May 31st – World No Tobacco Day

Alright, allow me to get serious for a moment. I’ve read some really interesting things lately about how fast the people can recover after someone stops smoking. The human body is truly capable of remarkable healing, but only if it’s not under constant duress. If you so choose, you can reduce your chances of heart disease and lung cancer by 50% in a matter of months after you quit.

That said, only quit if YOU want to. People will pressure you, push you, ridicule you, but fuck it, life’s too short not to do what YOU want, and enjoy it while you can. So yes, it’s World No Tobacco Day. But you make your own damn choice, and if you wanna smoke, then smoke.

One such way to celebrate.

One such way to celebrate.

Fort Collins Brewing – Z Lager

The Z Lager is recognized as one of, if not the best smoked beers in the country. Whether you’re in this day to kick the habit or enjoy it, I feel that you can find a friend in the deliciously smoky Z Lager. Coming in at a 5.4% ABV, this should pair nicely with any smoke you might be enjoying during the time, or reminding you of a successful recovery. I can’t stress enough that smoking is a choice, and you should be allowed to make that choice of your own accord. I just want to provide you with an option you can use to celebrate whatever the fuck you feel like. Whatever you choose to celebrate, celebrate the fact that you’re the one choosing it. Go you!

  • dwayneK

    The first photo kinda looks more like Tom Selleck than Burt Reynolds. Unless… oh I get it, who the hell can tell? And more importantly… who the hell cares!