Obscure Holiday Drinking Guide – April 2013

Hey you! Yeah, you. Did you miss me last month? It’s alright, go ahead, admit it. Yes, over the past few months our relationship has grown into something truly beautiful. Like a fine wine, our delicate dance of writer and reader has aged so well, that we might cost somewhere between $3.99 and $4.99 at a nearly reputable corner store. It’s so special in fact, that I think we should take our relationship to the next level. Yes, I’m talking about 5th base.

"What what? In my butt?

“What what? In my butt?

All this talk of butts makes for a great transition into talking about April, a time of renewal. Spring showers, and growing flowers. All the fuzzy animals begin to fuck like bunnies. Including the bunnies. Which I guess is redundant, but really, it’s a phrase for a reaon.

April 4th – Tell a Lie Day

That’s right, I, your friendly neighborhood talentless hack am giving you a boon from the gods. You may lie today! As much as you want. Big or little. Anything from “Of course I still love you!” to “No sweetie, that lady’s boobs are saggy and boring.” Even something small like “I’ve never thought about what human flesh would taste like” are acceptable means of celebrating this, the most sacred of holidays. What lies will I tell? You’ll just have to wait and find out!

No seriously, I split people in fucking HALF with it.

“No seriously, I split people in fucking HALF with it.”

Avery Mephistopheles Stout
While we’re on the subject of liars, I present to you the Mephistopheles Stout from Avery Brewing Company. For you Germanic mythology buffs, you’ll remember that Mephistopheles is one of the fallen, a demon sent to tempt Faust. Mephistopheles’ very name derives from the Hebrew word mephitz, meaning “destroyer”, and tophel, meaning “liar”. And at a mind-raping 16% ABV, this really does scream “destroyer” to me. And should also help to bring out your inner liar.

April 9th – Winston Churchill Day

Winston Churchill day celebrates the day that the old man himself post-humorously became the first person ever to become an honorary citizen of the United States. There have only been 6 people to receive this honor in the history of our country. (See, I teach you shit.) The old man was vastly more interesting when he was still alive, having been Prime Minister of the UK during World War 2, and being perhaps one of the most quoted men ever to live. Being a huge purveyor of fine cigars, brandy and whiskey, you can bet your ass he had his share of quotes about alcohol as well, such as:
“I have taken more good from alcohol than alcohol has taken from me.”
“When I was younger I made it a rule never to take strong drink before lunch. It is now my rule never to do so before breakfast.”
And my favorite:
Bessie Braddock: “Sir, you are drunk.”
Churchill: “And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober.”

I'm pretty sure Ashton Kutcher was there to document the event.

I’m pretty sure Ashton Kutcher was there to document the event.

Deerhammer Pure Colorado Brandy
Alright, small batch, limited release, you’re going to have a damn tough time getting your hands on this bottle. And when I say hard, I mean goddamned near impossible. The small batch was literally a single barrel, a collaboration between Deerhammer, a small batch whiskey distillery and Vino Salida, winery an hour and a half southeast of Buena Vista. This is a seriously rare 80 proof brandy, and if you’re lucky, (and I’m talking about being waking up caught in a Milla Kunis/Emma Watson sandwich level lucky) you might be able to get your hands on a bottle if you head out to their tasting room at 321East Main Street in Buena Vista. Good luck to you, pilgrim. You do ol’ Winston proud.

April 16th – National Eggs Benedict Day

Mmm, Eggs Benedict. Now some of you unrefined peasants may not have experienced the pleasures of a good Eggs Benedict, or perhaps have only enjoyed the Village Inn variety. (Ok, I admit, that it’s the best damn Eggs Benny you can get your hands on when high as shit at 3am on a Wednesday.) But those of us gentleman who regularly demand a solid Eggs Benedict from our butlers while relaxing in a pool of orphan tears, we can highly recommend it. What is it? Why, it’s an egg, usually over easy atop Canadian bacon, atop an English muffin, covered in Hollandaise sauce. And it was named after one-testicle betrayer of the revolutionary army, Benedict Arnold.

Shit's getting SO EDUCATIONAL up in here!

Shit’s getting SO EDUCATIONAL up in here!

Alright, it wasn’t actually named after him, but the creators are either Mrs LeGrand Benedict or Mr Lemuel Benedict, and the squablings about the origins are epic amongst the upper crust, so I say give it to ol’ One ball over there. Got nothing else good to be remembered for, anyways.
Wynkoop Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout
Yeah, that’s right. Our friends at the Wynkoop Brewing Company are known locally for trying just about anything, and being huge supporters of local business. Back when I refereed for the Denver Roller Dolls, these local legends threw together a pre-prohibition brew for the skater’s fans, and sold it at bouts. Then, more recently, the Double Entendre for us here at DOTW. And now, yes, it seems they’ve dropped a Stout flavored with roasted bull-balls. I cannot speak to its flavor, but I’m an adventurous dude, and I’ve enjoyed the hell out of some bull-sticles in the past (hell yeah), and I’m willing to get down with some serious balls out drinking to celebrate a great day in American history. Wait…shit, we’re still talking about eggs and ham, right…?

  • Josh

    I appreciate that this is the only article with “Eggs Benedict” as a tag. Fuck yeah.