Ah, February, the month only made notable by three things. The first and foremost is February being the month of Love. That’s right, that bullshit Hallmark holiday perpetuated by candy companies; Valnetine’s Day has made February the only time it’s acceptable to flop over onto your partner’s side of the bed and perform the stale, dusty version of sex that devolved over the last 50 years of your marriage. I’m not bitter. Second, Black History Month. I don’t celebrate Black History Month because I find it even more racist to divide up “history” based on race. Why not just enjoy history rather than classify it by race? Thirdly, the Leap Year frequently gets inserted here. Like a stuffy old man’s pink torpedo getting inserted into his equally stuffy and dusty wife’s…ahem. Sorry about that. I think maybe the trauma of my grandparents boning in the hotel bed next to me may have had some ill and lasting effects.
Let’s move past all the Freudian fuckery into this month’s drinking guide! OF LOVE!
February 4th – Thank a Mailman Day
In a world of Internet, Txt messages, and 4G, we often forget that the best way to send love is via a lovely handwritten note. Now remember, we’re talking about love to ANOTHER PERSON, not like, the ol’ self love, because in that case, you want to stick to the 4G.
Remember folks, once the apocalypse hits, our sole means of communication will be Kevin Costner riding horseback and delivering our letters all over what basically looks like Oregon while fighting off a Nazi-esque Shakespeare quoting Will Patton. Long live The Postman! That movie was great.
Once we’re all living in a feudal caste system we will likely resort to making mead instead of beer. For you who don’t know, mead is a honey based wine which was popular in the time of knights and dragons and wizards. Colorado has some excellent mead for you to offer to your Mailman as a thank you for preserving our freedom and dignity. One of my personal favorites is the Meadery of the Rockies Guinevere. It’s a great “starter” mead, to take you off the grape taste and back to a simpler time. Easily drinkable, sweet and that perfect thing to serve warm to any people you might want to thank. Perhaps even your friendly neighborhood booze writer…
February 7th – Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbors Day
In celebration of the month of love, I…wait, what the actual shit did I just read? Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbors Day? Is this the idea that you should really wave at your neighbors, oh and in case you’re dumber than the people who bought “Words with Friends The Boardgame” (THAT’S JUST SCRABBLE), you’re supposed to wave with ALL your fingers, you human pile of complete idiocy?
I propose a new game here. You’ve probably heard of “Fuck/Kill/Marry” where you go through a list of people and pick one of the three presented options that you would prefer to do to them. Let’s take it to the next level. Everyone you pass, you pick a finger to show ’em. Thumb? You like that person, way to go! Imperious finger? You’re choosing them, perhaps for a later romantic encounter! Middle finger? Pretty obvious what that implies. Ring finger? Marry them! Pinky finger? Um…well this is the only finger I find has the size and mobility for proper nose picking, so take that as you will.
Before we go out offending everyone we know with rude gestures and offers for late night rendezvous, I suggest getting nice and toasty on something that keeps you feeling like that sexual Tyrannosaurus that we all know you are. The Laughing Cat Riesling is up for the challenge if you are. Excellently priced and pretty decent availability aren’t the only things going for this Colorado local vineyard’s Wine of the Month. It’s a Semi-sweet mix of traditional Riesling and apple, pear and apricot flavors, making this a stupidly easy-to-drink liquid courage to tell everyone exactly what you think of them on this, the most celebrated of holidays.
February 11th – Clean out Your Computer Day
Another holiday of love. And right before Valentine’s day, too! What better way to celebrate the love you share with that special someone than to dedicate a Monday to getting drunk and wiping all that really embarrassing porn off your computer. I recommend celebrating in separate rooms from your SO, cuz you never know what kind of special feelings you might be reminded of when you go to clean out the accumulated filth you’ve downloaded this year.
When attempting to get blasted and cover your needless shame, I highly suggest adding an extra layer. Coming out of Canon City, Colorado, the Winery at Holy Cross Abbey is a 11 year old establishment on the historic ground of the Holy Cross Abbey (in case you missed it being said like…five times). The place itself is absolutely gorgeous, and the wine is phenomenal. The 2009 Chardonnay Monterey is another wine pulling hints of pear and apple, aged in French oak casks. The effect is a quite nice afternoon of staring at that cross, a reminder that you’re being judged for all the smut you clean off your computer.
February 19th – National Chocolate Mint Day
Just in time for Girl Scout Cookies season, this holiday hits me right where it hurts. I am an utter slave to Thin Mints, and much like previous years, I intend to spend no less than 100 dollars on those damnable temptations offered by the most devious and conniving monsters in the world; little girls. I swear to Isis, every time I stumble to answer the door after an all too productive morning of getting drunk in my footie Spiderman jammies and happen upon this adorable 10 year old brunette monster offering me the very essence of the gods, I weep inside. And outside. I cannot properly describe my love/hate relationship with the Girl Scouts of America.
Vine Street Girl Scout Stout
I didn’t know about this beverage until a fellow contributor here at Denver Off the Wagon told me about it. And I’m pretty angry that it’s been hidden from me for so long. As such, I have not been allowed to try this yet, and feel a little bad about recommending it, because it’s not even available for this month. But, damnit, it’s just so perfect of an opportunity to talk about what is literally the combination of two of my favorite things of all time; Stout beer and Thin Mints. Vine Street is up in Boulder, so if you’re close, you’re in prime position to help me. Go forth, readers, try this, bring me back some. I might lick your face out of gratitude. It’s…nothing sexual, I just…want you to know that I love you for bringing me beer.