It happened! We all lived to see 2013, Mayans be damned. And oh what a joyous year it shall be! I expect the cinematic marketplace to overflow with the grace and creativity that we’ve come to expect of great minds that brought us masterpieces such as Battleship, Total Recall and Twilight. To be fair, we got some decent films this year, but sometimes the shit really stands out, doesn’t it?
And on that cheerful note, let’s begin another round of the Obscure Holidays Drinking Guide!
January 3rd – Fruitcake Toss Day
Good news, my friends! It’s time to get rid of that rock hard shitpile people dared to give you as a gift of friendship. Now, I myself have never been gifted a fruitcake myself, but that’s cuz I’m a winner. The rest of you miserable sods who end up with what has become synonymous with stone in terms of edibility, you have a day here to help you turn that waste of space into a family fun time!
Bear in mind, the peoples of Manitou Springs Colorado celebrate the hell out of this day in extraordinary fashion. Though, more cannons are involved.
Winston Smith’s Barleywine Ale
For aiding in your festivities, whether you decide to celebrate with cannons or old fashioned elbow grease, I present to you Winston Smith’s Barleywine Ale. From the mystical isles of Colorado Springs quite near Manitou Springs itself, Phantom Canyon Brewing has concocted a sweet and original Barleywine, aged 9 months in Stranahan’s whiskey barrels (another awesome local favorite). This remarkable ale clocking in at 10.9% alcohol by volume, this little number ought to get you to just the right place when saying “Hey, you know what? Fuck you, fruitcake!”
January 8th – Bubble Bath Day
You can take a shower any day (or not, your call). But not today. Oh no, not today. Today is the day you relax, lather up, and bathe like a fucking man. Real men relax when they get clean. Lighting some candles? Playing some Enya? No no, that’s girly bubble bath shit. You will blast some Black Sabbath, spray the bathroom with motor oil and make yourself a bubble beard.
Why just this Christmas, I received a My Little Pony bubble bath set from my girlfriend’s family. And I’m gonna use that shit.
Oskar Blues Ten Fidy
Oskar Blues Brewery. If you’ve tried one of their monumentally good beers (Dale’s Pale Ale, Mama’s Lil Yella Pils, Old Chub), you know something about one hell of a beer. But the Imperial Stout, Ten Fidy, might be just the number one beer to come out of this Lyons, Colorado located brewery. Roasted barley, chocolate malt, and a big 10.5% alcohol by volume (hence the Ten Fidy name) make this a force of nature. A whirlwind of badass swirling around your manly gullet. Pour that bubblebath, smoke that pipe, and drown yourself in some quality booze.
January 12th – Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day
Yes, I recognize that we just bathed together. And we tried to make that manly. We really classed it up to the best of our ability. But shit, here’s a holiday made just for us fabulous wild men. It’s already as manly as things get. While little is known about this day, I propose we make it tradition. Yes, today, as men of a fabulous and wild nature, we will gather in our finest clothing. Dress to the nines boys, because there’s no ladies to impress, just your fellow man. No better time to get fabulous.
Wild Woods Brewery Campfire Red Ale
“You bring the wild, we’ll bring the fabulous.” – The creator of The Feast of Fabulous Wild Men day, in my head. What better way to toast our feast than a wild smoky ale, so named for its ability to be wild. This beer is a bit sweet, nutty and balances with the smoke forefront. It’s good, but not great. Not quite the heavy libation for bubble baths, it stands at a 5.4% alcohol by volume. Respectable, simple, and fair, it’s not quite the wild brew I had hoped for. Guess the wild is for us to bring to the feast as well, eh gents?
January 21 – National Hugging Day
Alright, sorry ladies, it got a little overly manly there for a minute. We’re in luck though, let’s keep things deliciously warm and sensitive with a National Hugging Day. I don’t care about your sexual preferences, your objections, beliefs or lack of arms, this is National fucking Hugging Day. And you will hug every single person you come in contact with. That’s what it means to be an American. Huggin’.
Revolution Brewing Stout Old Friend
Revolution Brewing is located in Paonia, Colorado. One can only assume that I’ve chosen a friendly and patriotic choice such as this out of mere convenience. And yes, maybe that’s part of it. But maybe it’s because that despite the drive, this was a fantastic little joint hidden away with excellent staff, talented brewers, and a hell of a Stout you might just want to hug. It’s no secret I like dark brews, and shy away from the green hops of a pale ale. So trust me when I recommend a stout, that it’s worth it. I make no allusions to it being the “best brew ever” or anything like that, and I’m ashamed to say I can’t remember or locate a measurement of alcohol by volume. All I know is that was a tasty beer. Try it now, hug me later.
January 25th – Opposite Day
You remember that game you played as a kid? Where you’d say “no” for “yes”, “right” for “wrong”, and piss off everyone in your life? Then at the end you’d pass it all off by saying “It’s Opposite Day!” Bullshit! You liar! I mean, unless by random happenstance it was January 25th, you were full of shit, because everyone knows goddamned well that Opposite Day is a real and hallowed holiday. And you sullied it.
Downslope Distilling Double-Diamond Whiskey
I looked long and hard to find a reasonable option for opposite day. Long…and hard. Or is it opposite day? Maybe you can’t trust any of it…not a single word…
But here’s what you can trust. A solid Irish style whiskey. Generally I’m partial to scotch, so it takes a bit of talent to make me stand up and pay attention to an Irish whiskey. This is a smooth, vanilla and spice whiskey. Whiskey is a craft, an art, and the artists at Downslope did a solid job of making something any whiskey fan can enjoy. Double sip the Double-Diamond with your double meanings and opposite your way into a New Year of fucking awesome.
Happy New Years, my friends.