No. 3: Your Christmas Workout aka Grand-ma’s Eggnog

 You probably haven’t had a workout like this since you discovered your special place in the 5th grade.

Eggnog comes in two varieties: shitty store bought and teen-age-male forearm of fortitude. Why the fuck anyone would mess with that stuff called ‘eggnog’ on the shelves is beyond me. If you want to drink that stuff, go full-hobo and sneak a shot of bourbon into your Starbucks Eggnog Latte.

The first step to making decent eggnog is to stretch. That’s right kids, it’s like gym class. Warm up those wrists and crack your knuckles. You probably haven’t had a workout like this since you discovered your special place in the 5th grade.


  • 2 large, metal bowls.
  • 6 eggs, separated (as in whites on one side, yolks on the other; make sure the yolks don’t mingle with the whites)
  • ½ cup of granulated sugar
  • 1 pint of whole milk
  • 1 cup of heavy whipping cream (don’t worry about the calories, the furious beating is going to burn some serious fat)
  • 1 whole nutmeg: to be grated freshly with a Microplane as a garnish. Pre-grated Nutmeg is un-acceptable. Grand-ma would not approve.
  • Bourbon, Cognac, Aged Rum, Scotch, choose your brown spirit of choice.  For all that is holy, never ever add vodka to eggnog.



In the bowl containing your 6 yolks, add the sugar. Furiously beat these yolks until the mixture resembles ribbons. Set this aside and clean your whisk. If you don’t clean your whisk the fat from the yolks will cause your whites to not whip. You’ll be furiously beating and nothing will happen. Awkwardness will ensue.

Whip the whites until they form stiff peaks. This may take 5-10 minutes. If you’ve been in a steady relationship for some time, you may need to tap out and let someone else take over. Once you have stiff whites, go back to your yolk and sugar mixture, add the milk and cream and stir to combine. Now, gently fold in the whipped egg whites. Be careful not to undo all of the hard work you just completed getting nice, stiff peaks. I repeat do not deflate the egg whites. For service, add 2 ounces of your brown spirit of choice and top with the nog, garnish with a few grates of fresh nutmeg. Enjoy your hard work, and get some ice for that Tennis Elbow.

Make sure the yolks don’t mingle with the whites

Like yellow paint. Or something.

A task for the single man.

Stiff white peaks

Almost done

The fruits.. err.. eggs of your labor. Enjoy!

[See all of The 12 Days of a Wagon Christmakwanakah]

About Kevin Burke

Kevin is an occasional barman and fulltime practitioner of the Janitorial Arts at Colt & Gray.