Denver off the Wagon

Everyone loves The ‘Stache.  Particularly in Movember. We love it so much that today is Have Sex With A Guy With A Mustache Day (plan accordingly for lunch/dinner/dessert/late night munchies, folks).

The moustache/mustache (both spellings are correct) signals the coming of Man, the growth of testosterone, the “manly” rugged man factor or for some, the I-didn’t-want-to-shave-then-it-grew-to-this.

Per the World Beard & Moustache Championships, there are six categories for moustaches: Natural, English, Dali, Imperial, Hungarian, and Freestyle.  The next Beard Team USA National Beard and Moustache Championships will be in Las Vegas on November 11, 2012. For you chaps looking to enter, you have time to shape, curl, and condition that lip and face sweater for next year’s competition. Some notable owners of the ‘stache include Frank Zappa, Charlie Chaplin, Groucho Marx, Salvador Dali (he even wrote a book about his), Frida Kahlo, George Parros, Steven Cozza, Burt Reynolds, Wyatt Earp, Tom Selleck, and more.

And in this fine month of Movember, folks are growing the dirtlip for charity. In this annual event, men grow a mustache for charity to raise awareness and money for men’s health issues (one of many including prostate cancer).  Denver will be holding its Gala party at Sutra on December 3rd in celebration of the Mo and respective superlatives.  You should grab tickets. And you should also donate to the cause. Or to a friend’s Mo.

It is said that 1 in 10 women dig facial hair.  I’m one of many ladies that digs facial art. Facial hair, and particularly in Movember, moustaches bring out the ‘stache love.  Facial hair runs amuck in Denver, and I’m just tickled to see it/feel it make its comeback (too much?).  There are a few truths to mustaches. First, the guy with the moustache is referred to as “The Guy with the Moustache” or “Moustache Mike.”  Second,  they are great conversation starters. With anyone.  And third, kissing a dude with a moustache ain’t all that bad.

So being Movember, I got to wondering where to find the gentlemen at Denver based on their different moustache.  Ladies, I give you the moustache guide so you can identify the types of moustaches found.  The beginning part of this list includes the WBMC-style moustaches and then includes unofficial moustaches that we could also identify.

Natural

The natural moustache is the characteristically “basic” moustache.  When setting out to draw your pictionary version of the moustache, it usually looks like this.  With a natural curl, bushy form, and without the aid of wax, this ‘stach is bold and au naturel.  Think Thomas Hardy, Joseph Stalin, or the handyman at the Ace Hardware shop.

WBMC Category description:  Mustache may be styled but without aids. The hairs are allowed to start growing from up to a maximum of 1.5 cm beyond the end of the upper lip. No aids are allowed.

Where to find it:

• Neighborhood Pubs
• City ‘O City
• Rackhouse Pub
• Great Divide Brewing
• Denver Beer Co

“Old School”

Admittedly, this is my own category because they look pretty similar. For you technical folk, I’m grouping the Dali, Musketeer, and English in one category.  All included are a kind of handlebar moustache, classified with exterior elements outside the connection to the face. “Graspable extremeties,” if you will.  Each of these in the “old school” have a horizontal element and require the use of wax to uphold the structural integrity of facial hair.

WMBC Category description for the English: Slender, beginning from the middle of the upper lip with the hairs extremely long and pulled to the side. Tips may be lifted slightly. The hairs are only allowed to start growing up to the end of the upper lip. Aids are allowed.

Where to find it:

• Neighborhood Pubs
• Brown Palace
• Cigars on 6th
• Falling Rock
• Bar Car
• TAG

Imperial

This moustache is full with turned-up corners and possibly a slight curl, depending on the POV of the wearer.

WBMC Category description: Small and bushy with tips arching up. The hairs are only allowed to start growing up to the end of the upper lip. Aids are allowed. 

Where to find it:

• Williams & Graham
• Great Divide
• Steuben’s
• City ‘O City
• Cheeky Monk
• StarBar Denver
• Sputnik
• Cigars on 6th
• Vine Street Pub
• Euclid Hall
• My Brother’s Bar

Freestyle

Go hog wild with this one. Whatever you choose to make, own the category.

WBMC Category description: All moustaches that do not match other classes. The hairs are allowed to start growing from up to a maximum of 1.5 cm beyond the end of the upper lip. Aids are allowed. 

Where to find it:

• On the street
• Maybe Lancer?

The Hungarian

The Hungarian moustache is also known as the Wild West. Full with sweeping arches, as upheld with wax. Sometimes the Imperial and Hungarian can look similar if the wearer crosses the line.

WBMC Category description: Big and bushy, beginning from the middle of the upper lip and pulled to the side. The hairs are allowed to start growing from up to a maximum of 1.5 cm beyond the end of the upper lip. Aids are allowed.

Where to find it:

• Great Divide
• City ‘O City
• Steuben’s
• The Village Cork
• Williams & Graham
• StarBar Denver
• Vine Street Pub
• Euclid Hall
• Caveau
• A Cote

The Fu Manchu

A type of handlebar moustache with extendible ends heading downwards, this moustache is often confused with the horseshoe.  Think “tapering” with the Fu Manchu.  Technically, this is not considered one of the six official “moustache” styles per the WBMC, but they do have the category still listed.

WBMC Category description: Chin shaved with moustache allowed to start to grow up to a maximum of 2 cm beyond and below the end of the upper lip. Tips are long and pulled down. Aids are allowed.

Where to find it:

• Euclid Hall
• Thin Man
• OTOTO

The Overall Scruff/Beard

Clapton said it best, “Let it grow, let it grow, let it blossom, let it flow.” Many a folk this month have chosen to interpret Movember with a beard and we support them, too.  If Rasputin is your goal, grow on.

Where to find it:

• Falling Rock
• Great Divide
• Vine Street Pub
• City ‘O City
• Denver Beer Co
• StarBar Denver
• Rackhouse Pub

Horseshoe

Not to be confused with the Fu Manchu, this one is full mustache and then vertical extensions, in the shaped appearance of the source of its name.  Think cowboys or biker moustache.

Where to find it:

• Gin Mill
• Hops & Pie
• Wynkoop Brewing
• El Diablo

Pencil Moustache (aka the John Waters)

Thin, lip-framing, simple, and cad-like. Certainly an era-style ‘stache as made popular by John Waters, Errol Flynn, Vincent Price and Clark Gable.

Where to find it:

• Thin Man
• Gin Mill
• Green Russell

Toothbrush

This poor moustache will be forever cursed due to its associate with Hitler. Thankfully, Charlie Chaplin sported this one intentionally to brand himself a comic.  Others seen wearing it: Michael Jordan in his Hanes commercial, Robert Mugabe, and any other brave soul trying to change the Toothbrush’s perception.

Where to find it:

• Still looking

The Chevron

Thanks, Tom Selleck, for this one. The name “Chevron” is based on the angle of the moustache, peaking up below the nose and forming downwards. It’s a tight moustache and easier to maintain. Or so I’m told.

Where to find it:

• Encore on Colfax
• Brown Palace
• StarBar Denver
• Olivea
• Hops & Pie
• Cigars on 6th
• Rackhouse Pub
• My Brother’s Bar

Zapata moustache

Even the Emilio Zapata technically never sported a Zapata moustache (he did a Hungarian interpretation), this ‘stache holds his name.  Also called the Pancho Villa moustache. This moustache is in the Handlebar category of having extendibles past the moustache, heading to the ground.  Frank Zappa sported this one.

Where to find it:

• Sancho’s Broken Arrow
• El Chapultapec
• The Squire
• Sputnik
• Thin Man
• Bar Car
• The Hornet

The Half-Moustache

Also lovingly referred to as the “creeper moustache.”  Some just aren’t blessed to grow a full mustache.  Instead, they’re left with halfsies, or patches.

Where to find it:

• Colt & Gray
• Steuben’s
• Table 6
• Vine Street Pub

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That said, gentlemen, if you have the facial hair, keep it trimmed and clean.  Those that love the scruff, love it clean.