by Julia Yugel and Lisa Bongiovanni
It’s a Friday night and if you’re out at a bar, chances are you’re there to meet some nice men to have a conversation with (or at least get them to buy you drinks for the evening). So how do pick the lucky fellow sucker who gets to spend his money and possibly the rest of his evening with you?
Fortunately, you can tell everything you need to know about a guy (or at least enough to know if you want to go home with him) by what he orders at the bar.
Here’s a rundown of some of the more common drinks that men order and what they say about him, whether he knows it or not.
(Well beers) Coors/Miller/Bud/PBR –
This is a guy who clearly doesn’t care what he’s drinking, which means he’s not going to care what you’re drinking. These beers are generally on some sort of special (regardless of the time of day) and if they aren’t, you shouldn’t be paying full price for what literally boils down to water. As a rule of thumb, if you can clearly see through a guy’s beer, you’re probably going to end up doing shots of Smirnoff.
Where You’ll Find Him: Baseball games, dive bars like Swanky’s
This imported beer that tastes only slightly better than the shitty beer trifecta that is Coors/Bud/Miller. What’s the main differences? The fancy rimmed glass that it comes in, and the price. There are two types of guys that drink Stella– the ones that are trying to come off as something that they aren’t (For example, they’ll tell you they’re in the import/export business, which you later discover means they’re a milk delivery man) and the guys who want to appear worldly, but the farthest they’ve ever been is Paris, Arkansas. This is another guy to stay away from, unless your idea of a hot date is dinner at Chili’s and he pays.
Where You’ll Find Him: The Cherry Cricket
Colorado Native is kind of cool, because it’s just that- you can only find this beer here in Colorado. A guy drinking it probably knows something about beer, but isn’t from here because he’s been gypsy-tricked and thinks that this is an actual craft beer. He couldn’t be further from the truth as Colorado Native is brewed at AC Golden Brewing Company, which is “conveniently” located right in the center of Coors Brewery. This guy might be worth talking to, and you can take the time to educate him on real Colorado craft beers. Or, if you’re looking for a one-night stand.
Where You’ll Find Him: Yardhouse
Anything by New Belgium-
While we respect New Belgium for pioneering the Colorado Craft Beer industry and for making it well known, they’ve lost their edge. As the company gets larger, their beers get more generic. These days, you can find Sunshine and Fat Tire as standard draft options at any bar in Denver. The guy drinking this is a poser and probably thinks that the name of the brewery is Fat Tire. He wants to fit in with the cool kids, and is trying to by drinking “craft” beer, but like New Belgium, probably had game 10 years ago. If you’re into divorced thirtysomethings, go ask him to talk about the good old days in his fraternity.
Where You’ll Find Him: We weren’t kidding. Try any bar on Market or Blake.
While we could go into more detail and describe what each type of beer says about a guy, we won’t (because this article is going to be long enough). We’ll just say that a guy drinking a good craft beer probably knows his shit (including in bed) and has good taste. If you are also a craft beer aficionado, striking up a conversation about your favorite beers will really impress him and probably score you at least one free (good) beer yourself.
Where You’ll Find Him: Freshcraft
This is one where context is needed. Are you at the Four Seasons or Brown Palace? Then it probably makes sense that he’s drinking a vintage Cabernet. Are you at Swankys? Then it probably doesn’t make sense he’s drinking wine. A guy drinking wine a sports bar is just plain weird. But, if you’re into sweater vests, go for it!
Where You’ll Find Him: Cellar Wine Bar
The first thing that comes to mind when thinking of martinis is James Bond. Classic good looks, probably has some money (or at least a job) and a little bit of class. Be prepared to wake up alone in the morning, or kidnapped/dead at the hands of a villain who is trying to take over the world using some sort of laser. Wait-this isn’t Hollywood! Let’s go with being prepared to wake up alone.
Where You’ll Find Him: Encore
With martini glass drinks, there are two simple questions to ask before approaching this guy.
1) Is the drink colored? If the answer is yes, he’s gay.
2) Is it garnished with fruit? If the answer is yes, he’s gay.
Talk to him if you want a new shopping buddy, or a sympathetic ear to talk to about how there’s no available men at this bar.
Where You’ll Find Him: Jax Fish House
This guy is old. Which depending on where you are in your life, might be a good thing or a bad thing. Make sure to check for a wedding ring. Even if he doesn’t have one, after a couple drinks, casually ask how long he and his wife have been married, JUST to make sure.
Where You’ll Find Him: The Ginn Mill, HBurger
Like wine, men drinking margaritas really depends on the context and setting. Cinco de Mayo and Mexican restaurants are acceptable places for a guy to be throwing back a margarita. At a regular bar? It’s a little iffy. Have you ever actually seen a guy drinking a margarita at a regular bar? Us either. He might be fun, because he’s drinking tequila, or he might be a serial killer. Good guy to chat up if you like taking risks.
Where You’ll Find Him: The Rio
Shots of Tequila-
This guy means business. He is at the bar to get drunk. It could be because he’s at some sort of celebration (think birthday or bachelor party) or because he’s drowning his sorrows with his good friend Jose. Observe how many shots he’s ordering and if he’s taking them all himself, or taking them to a group. Either your way, your chances are pretty good, but be prepared for tears and/or vomit (his, not yours).
Where You’ll Find Him: 9th Door
This is a guy who can hold his alcohol. A good pickup line probably isn’t “Hey! Who wants to have a drinking contest?”
This type of guy also falls into two camps. If he’s drinking it with 7-Up then he’s probably an average guy. He’ll be friendly, but he probably won’t get your panties wet. If he’s sipping high-end whiskey with ice, be prepared for long serious conversations where you’ll have to pretend to know the difference between Syria and Libya.
Where You’ll Find Him: Pint’s Pub
Rum and Coke-
Is his collar popped? How many Greek letters adorn his backwards baseball cap? This is a frat boy drink, and this guy will probably be willing to buy you one too (as long as you’re not fat). Don’t feel bad taking the drink, even if you plan on dicing because he’ll tell his brothers he slept with you anyway. Make sure you watch the bartender make it, and don’t leave it unattended.
Where You’ll Find Him: Sports Column, Lodo’s, The Tavern
Gay. And not only gay, but also watching his weight. Steer clear of this guy as you not only won’t get a date for the night, but will probably have your appearance criticized as well. Other indicators to look for include skinny jeans and a low v-neck shirt.
Where You’ll Find Him: Tracks, JR’s