The drunkard’s history of Denver

Note: The author can neither confirm nor deny the validity or truthfulness of any of the following statements. The author also plans to offend.

Introduction: This is a theory I conjured up several years ago, probably while hungover, or possibly whilst actively drinking, or perhaps whilst drinking to cure an aforementioned hangover.

This theory attempts to explain certain fundamental truths and phenomena such as, but not limited to, Californians are extremely open and laid back, Coloradians are moderately chill and progressive people that love drinking whiskey, New Englanders (New Yorkers included) are mostly uptight assholes that like to complain a lot but don’t actually do anything to change their situation (I once was a New Englander myself, eons ago), and the British, well, talk funny and have stiff upper lips (due to bad teeth?).

Story Time: Way back in the day, there was a group of people living in England who were unable to practice religious freedom and who were presumably unhappy with the oppressive rule of Queen Elizabeth I (thanks wikipedia).  They were called Puritans. The eventually said “Fuck this, we’re going to America” [not a direct quote].  These people wanted a better life for themselves and more control over their own lives.  No offense to any specific religious groups- I’m pretty sure it would have sucked to be a Puritan, but I assume it was better than staying in England at the time.

Westward Ho: Fast forward a little.  Generations later, a group of their descendents (still with the same spirit of unrest and insatiable appetite for a better life) said “Fuck this Puritan bullshit, we’re heading west” [this probably was a direct quote].  Drawn by visions of gold and riches in California, they packed up, said hasta luego to the naysayers and took off in their wagon caravans.  (The naysayers that stayed behind ultimately became modern day New Yorkers and New Englanders, and don’t even get me started on Jersey).  The pioneers, however, packed up everything they owned, and risked life and limb fording rivers and battling dysentery on their quest to achieve a better life (thanks Oregon Trail).

How the west was really won...

Bottom Line: A few of those brave pioneers made it all the way to California, where they created an ultra-lax society open to gay marrage, legalized marijuana, beach bums, etc.  Others, after crossing the Great Plains, came upon the Rocky Mountains and, looking at their 2-4 CP (cattle power) wagons, and said “Fuck that, this’ll do” and they opened a bottle of whiskey and settled down.  The end.

About Dave Gottlieb

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